Matthew Sanford's Waking: A Memoir of Trauma & Transcendence

Would you know from looking at this picture of Matthew Sanford practicing yoga that he is disabled?

Matthew is paralized from T4 downward due to a tragic car accident that occurred when he was just 13 years old. Yet not only does he go on to practice yoga but actually is a yoga teacher. 

In his book Waking: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence, Matthew Sanford describes the tragic event that changed the course of his life forever. He speaks of the numerous and painful surgeries that he endured and how his mind-body connection not only helped him through but opened him up to his new physical body.

"The splendor and subtlety of living is most apparent in the conscious prescence of the silence"

He describes his journey through yoga as "backwards". Most westerners move through the asanas or poses to get to silence, Matthew's silence allowed his mind to guide him into the poses which his body could not feel.

" alignment and precision increase mind-body integration regardless of paralysis. The mind is not strictly confined to a neurophysiological connection with the body. If I listen inwardly to my whole experience (both my mind's and my body's), my mind can feel into my legs".

Even though Matthew may not be able to physically do every pose it does not hinder him from teaching to students of all levels.

"I can "feel" the pose, feel how the physical instructions are intended to amplify, guide, and direct the flow of energy. When I teach, I give instructions and then I observe not just whether the physical actions are occuring, but also whether the intended energetic release is happening through the student's mind-body relationship. If the energy of the pose is not flowing correctly, I can often adjust the student and enhance his or her experience."

"...follow the energetic flow of a pose which allows me to see and feel the corresponding physical movements. This helps me to feel the heart of yoga despite my limited access to its physical movements. I can feel the pose's inner workings, its focus."

These two quotes above to me are the mark of an amazing teacher. I find that I utilize the mind-body connection of assuming my student's action in my own body to visualize and sense what is going on in their body and then make changes accordingly. It really matters very little when teaching what or how a pose or exercise looks or occurs in my own body.

I truly found his book and story inspirational. It is a story not only about movement, but about your outlook on life, the stories we tell ourselves to get through trauma, the amazing power of our minds and thoughts, and moving through life without limits.

To quote Matthew W. Sanford:

"Is yoga going to make all of my hardship go away? Of course not- my life is going to be hard. But without these difficulties, I would not be who I am."

Checking in on Resolutions Made...

Every year I wrtie a list of things that I would like to work on throughout the year. Checking in on what I wrote last year, I was surprised to find how successful I was. For me, writing something down puts it out there and holds me a little bit more accountable.

Here was my 2010 Resolution List:

1. Build my business and network with social media. Research, dream, and aspire towards my 5 year plan and business dream.
2. Move towards a Vegan diet at 3-4 days/week
3. Healthy workout plan: 2-3 day yoga, 3-4 days cardio, 1-2 days weight training, 3-4 days Pilates
4. Financial Health
5. Love myself enough to find a partner to share my life, hopes, and dreams with
6. Start planning trip to Greece
7. Plan a Pilates retreat for winter 2011.

Definitely did #1, #2, #3 (so-so numbers were a little lower) and #7 (happening Feb 19-26, 2011). YEAH!!

#4 Financial health a little harder to attain this year, but I am still working on it and looking into options to move forward in that direction for 2011. #5 suffered. Hard to put myself out there to find a partner when I was so focused on business, finances, and trying to stay afloat myself. A sinking boat needs a life raft, not another person hanging onto them. #6 Got the books. Started reading and dreaming. Alas, no finances and wasn't emotionally in a place of travel as I was struggling with my last moments with my 13 year old Golden Madison. :(

All in all I did accomplish quite a lot of what I put out to do in this challenging year. I am looking forward to the closing of this year. I am optimistic about 2011 and what it may hold. Starting to put together my resolution list for this year. The ones I didn't accomplish will make a repeat as well as a few new ones. 

What did you accomplish this year that you are proud of? What did you miss this year that you would like to retry? What are some of your resolutions or goals for the upcoming year of 2011?

*Not sure what this means but I just referred to next year as "2012" throughout the entire post and had to go back and edit it read "2011". LOL! Hopefully not a forecast as to what is to come.

Give a little love

On November 19th I attended a Dharma and Meditation workshop hosted by Wade Gotwals at Nature Yoga Sanctuary.  The evening was led by Buddhist monk Kelsang Dorje. "His humorous approach to challenging life subjects will truly give you the tools to change your perception and change your life".

The evening started with some light pranayama (breathing) and yoga to prepare our bodies to sit, led by Wade and then Kelsang Dorje spoke on life. Our life is based on our perceptions, we all are intertwined, and how to live in love. Our worlds are based on our own experiences and perceptions. If you see the world through rose colored glasses it will be a rose colored world. Knowing this it is easy to change the way you choose to see and experience the world. Kelsang Dorje compares it to a hot coal. If someone were to throw a hot coal to you and you catch it, you would choose to drop it immediately because it burns. And the next time someone threw a hot coal at you, you wouldn't even reach to grab it. However, so many times in life we choose to carry or hold onto this hot coal as we move through life. He relates this to carrying negative thoughts, images, experience and perceptions. We need to learn the lesson and make the choice to drop the coal and not pick it up again.

He spoke on "love". That to love someone basically means to wish them happiness and an end to suffering. That there is no limit to the amount of love we have to give or receive. Therefore why not give love to everyone. Wouldn't the world be a much nicer place to move about if while passing people in the world they were sending love to you and you to them. Yes, there are different types of love and different karmic connections which allow us to relate deeper to one another but the basic feeling of love is the same. When you look at it from this point to love someone doesn't mean you have to agree with them, approve of their actions, or want them to become your best friend or lover. It just means that you wish them happiness. Seems easy enough, right? Easy to do when you are in the community that is supporting that common good, much harder to do in the busy city when someone has just cut you off. There is the challenge. When that person cuts you off, can you take a deep breath and wish them happiness and an end to their suffering. Choosing to see that maybe they really do need to get somewhere before you. Or at least not let it be the hot coal that you carry around for the rest of your day passing along to others. Instead of tossing or carrying the coal, the challenge is to carry or pass the love.

I thoroughly enjoyed meeting Kelsang Dorje and hearing his teachings. I am trying to meditate more throughout my week and move through the world with love in my heart. 

If you would like to experience Kelsang Dorje and his teachings. Here are a few of his upcoming workshops and website. For more info and upcoming events visit www.meditateinchicago.org

Believing Karma: The Power to Change our life

Oak Park

Vajrayana Kadampa Buddhist Center

13 Harison St, Oak Park 60304

Mondays, 7-8:30pm

November 1 - December 13

Lakeview

Center on Halsted

3656 N. Halsted St Room #202

Chicago, IL 60313

Tuesdays, 7-8:30pm

November 2 - December 14

Feel free to drop into any class. Everyone is welcome. $10/class

The Blessing Empowerment of Enlightened Mother Arya Tara

Saturday, December 4, 2010

10am-5pm

Cost: $65 (includes light vegetarian lunch)

Vajrayana Kadampa Buddhist Center

13 Harrision Street

Oak Park, IL 60304

To register for this special event email info@meditateinchicago.org or call 708.763.0132

I got a new attitude

Attitude (noun): manner, disposition, feeling, position, etc., with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation, esp. of the mind: anegative attitude; group attitudes.

We all have those days when our attitude can get in our way of our experience. As a teacher I have experienced the attitude of disappointment, resistance, fear, and uncomfortableness from participants when I am subbing a class. I have also been the participant of walking into a class to find that my normal instructor is not there and feeling those same attitudes in myself. When these feelings arise from either end I try to take a deep, cleansing breath and change the direction of my disposition.

After taking a deep breath, if I am the instructor I try to break the ice a bit and acknowledge that I understand how difficult it is to have a different instructor but hope that they will remain open and exploratory through the process. If I am the student I instruct myself to stay open and remember that even if I take away one new idea, movement, or connection from this instructor that the class was a success and worth it. Changing this attitude allows the experience to change. One of my instructors stated awhile back "that if you are going to a led class, then you should allow the instructor to lead and teach you and leave your preconceptions behind". You may be surprised at your experience and what you learn if you can change your disposition and remain open to what is being presented. You might even find a new teacher that you never would have taken class from and now adore.

Trick or Treat? Franklin Method

Props Gini uses to teach FM.

"To change your body, one must change their mind"

I had the privilege of participating in two Franklin Method workshops lead by the fabulous Gini Martinez of Pilate Your Body. Gini is intelligent, witty, passionate, and creative about movement and her teaching. I highly recommend that anyone who teaches any sort of movement treat yourself to some Franklin Method. You won't regret it. I learned a lot about how my body actually works, how much my thoughts can affect and change my movements, and how to better cue movement for myself and my clients. I came out of the weekend very inspired and also very overwhelmed. How do I take all of this new insight into my Pilates teachings?

Franklin Method is based on four steps:

1. Feedback - Check in on how and where you are now. What do you like? What do you not like? (Try to focus on the positive, as it really does change the outcome. For instance: If you notice your shoulders are tense, instead of focusing on the tension think about the openness and lightness you would like to feel in them.)
2. Make a plan - What are you going to work on changing and how are you going to go about it? (I am going to send breath into my shoulders and imagine my shoulder blades sliding downward like a chocolate fondue fountain)
3. Feed Forward - Put the plan into action.
4. Compare New Status Quo to the Old - Was there a positive change? Even if it is the littlest bit.

It is a cycle. So repeat until the desired affect occurs. Maybe a new plan is necessary.

What I realized during this weekend was how important it is to really know what is happening in the body during movement. I know my anatomy and the cuing of movement within Pilates. However, many times the cuing contradicted what was actually happening with the bone rhythms. Once I could imagine the movement of the bones in certain actions I could facilitate movement in a much more organic way. 

"Embodying function, Improves function".

I realized that I had been tricking my body into performing certain movements with contraction instead of treating my body to efficient movement with ease. As Gini says:

"If your muscles are tense, they are contracted. If your muscles are contracted, they aren't available for movement."

Give your body a treat and incorporate some Franklin Method into your body and teaching.

Here is a link to a video of Eric Franklin releasing Shoulder Tension.
And just added here is a podcast of Gini discussing Franklin Method on air with Karena Lineback. 

The Yoga Marathon

The Chicago Marathon took place this year on Sunday, 10.10.10. I saw the winning men place on television before heading off to my normal Sunday Yoga class at Nature Yoga Sanctuary. As we entered class and began to set up our mats the Marathon was on everyone's mind. With the street closures that happen due to the marathon it can make getting around Chicago on that morning a little like a game of Frogger for some. We joked about finishing the marathon in time to get to class.

My teacher Wade usually begins with thoughts before class. Today he spoke about the supportive community of people cheering these marathon runners on their journey. Wouldn't it be nice in Yoga class to have that same positive support. "Come on you can hold that pose one more breath" or applauding the completion of a difficult posture or vinyasa series. 

It got me to thinking about how I approach my Yoga practice. My Sunday class is an hour and forty-five minutes long.  So much like a marathon it is about pacing yourself.  If you start out too strongly at the beginning of class you won't have the strength for the more vigorous series and difficult postures. You have to know yourself and the course so you don't hit the wall before mile 20. Focusing and riding the breath are true for both the Marathon and yoga. When you mentally hit those moments of doubt, fear, pain or fatigue tuning into your breath can get you over the edge and moving forward. It's about visualizing yourself crossing that finish line or getting into that difficult pose that you have been struggling with.

While I didn't complete 26.2 miles of Chicago pavement on Sunday 10.10.10. I did complete 105 minutes of vigorous yoga. I breathed, challenged, and cheered myself through the longer vinyasas and more difficult postures. And by the time I reached the finish line of Savasana I felt completely blissed out and proud of my accomplishment. The Marathon of Yoga complete.

Small Changes

Resolutions can be a great way to set a goal for yourself, however more times than not we fail our resolutions. The Dictionary defines a resolution as the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.  Why not take baby steps towards a bigger goal with small changes?  For me I am not good with change. I find drastic changes uncomfortable and I end up failing because I am unable to sit with the abrupt uncomfortableness. However, I notice that if I ease myself into the change my rate of success is much higher. 

Last year I made a New Year's resolution to eat more of a Vegan lifestyle.  At first I cleared out all my cupboards and refrigerator of any non-Vegan items and replaced them.  I was going to go completely Vegan from being mostly Vegetarian (I did eat fish on occasion).  My intentions were good, however it was too big of a change for me to make all at once. I now follow a Vegan diet 3-5 days/week.  I allow myself to indulge when I am outside of my home at a friends house or restaurant, as I find it  too hard to explain and substitute. I am already a picky eater to begin with and I don't want to insult a friend or server. By making the change smaller it made me feel more comfortable and allowed me to actually fulfill my resolution.

Same is true with the "Losing weight" resolution so many people make each year.  Everyone starts off rearing to go in January and by February is already off the wagon.  Make small movements towards your goal and you may find that you have more stamina to go all the way. For example, if you lead a predominately sedentary life and decide that you are going to go to the gym everyday, the odds are you are going to fail.  Why not start small? Schedule yourself in for 3 workouts for the week. Try to vary what you are doing and find something that you enjoy doing.  Make it fun, something you look forward to, a workout date with a friend, and most importantly put it on your calendar like you would any other important appointment.

It's okay to know what your "end goal" is but be sure to honor and appreciate the small steps that you have accomplished along the way. You'll be more apt to stay on target and achieve your ultimate resolution. Even a small change (no matter how small) deserves recognition.  You may even be surprised when you reach your resolution how much easier it was to get there. Small change adds up to BIG results.

Mind over Matter

Mind over Matter will make the Pooh unfatter.

How do you talk to your self? Are you gentle, kind, supportive, positive, encouraging? Or are you judgemental, derogatory, harsh, belittling, negative, and self deprecating? As Depak Chopra is quoted as saying "our inner verbalization creates our reality".

Simple Buddhism A guide to enlightened living by C. Alexander Simpkins PH.D. explains the Buddhist view on "Right Thought, Right Action".  

"Changes in our thoughts lead to changes in our feelings. The same is true of conduct. If we change our behaviour, our feelings and thoughts will change as well. The basis for the change is simpler than it seems. Behaviour, feelings, and thoughts are linked together in such a way that each affects the other and each can change the other."

If you dread or hate going to the gym, no matter what great workout you do, you are not going to get the most benefits.  Changing your inner dialogue and attitude will change the way your body processes and experiences the workout and be better for you.  The energy your mind is taking to create the negative thoughts is displaced where it could be use to help you get a better workout and burn more calories. When you are happy/positive your body produces endorphins :An endogenous opioid from the pituitary gland that blocks pain, decreases appetite, creates a feeling of euphoria (the exercise high), and reduces tension and anxiety. When your body is stressed/negative it produces cortisol: A hormone released by the cortex (outer portion) of the adrenal gland when a person is under stress. Cortisol levels are now considered a biological marker of suicide risk. Therefore your inner dialogue and thoughts could be holding you back from reaching your healthy goals. Change the thoughts and watch the pounds come off a little quicker.

"Perception is an active process, involving both objective and subjective experience.  The sensations we have from contact with the world lead to a desire to fill our wants. We desire pleasant sensations to continue and unpleasant ones to stop."

"False beliefs and assumptions create states of mind that bias and limit our perception." 

For example if you look at a plate of kale and think "yuck", no matter how good it may taste you have predisposed your taste buds and body to not like it.  What if you changed the thought to "looks healthy", "natural", "good for me", or "filled with nutrients" ?  It might end up tasting a little better than you expected. In fact you might even like it.  Same goes for your perception of yourself.  If you look in the mirror and talk to yourself with negativity and hate "I hate my sagging tummy and stretch marks" you are bias to only perceiving the negative in yourself. Why not change the perception and use your inner dialogue to praise and appreciate what your body does for you everyday? Your belly may have carried and nurtured your two most prized possessions, your children. Turn the negative to positive and your outlook on what your body has and can do will change how you look at yourself. Changing the chatter could be just what you need to make you unfatter.

Review and thoughts on "Women Food and God" by Geneen Roth

Recently I read the book Women Food and God by Geneen Roth.  Oprah had been promoting it saying that "it changed the way she felt about her body, her diet, and her life."  The book totes being the "anti-diet" book.  It speaks more to the self help aspect of your relationship to food and food to your feelings.

"The way you eat is inseparable from your core beliefs about being alive. Your relationship to food is an exact mirror of your feelings about love, fear, anger, meaning, transformation, and yes, even God."

Although the book speaks mostly from the perspective of compulsive eating or overeating.  I found a lot of the feelings described throughout the book also pertain to compulsive under eating and deprivation of food. Really the emotions are the same, it is how each of us chooses to use our relationship with food to mask or numb our feelings.

Personally I have struggled with bouts of anorexia. Hiding and numbing my feelings by depriving myself.  Feeling that while things around may have been out of control, I could control what or if I ate and how much exercise I did.  I felt that I was good at this and even was praised for my thinness at times in my life.  After years of therapy, I do understand my triggers into this disease and relationship. And this relationship was a direct mirror externally to my feelings. I felt unloved, alone, angry, fearful, unworthy, and empty. The emptier my belly felt was how I dealt with the spiritual emptiness I was feeling.  I have friends who feel the same things but instead of depriving and torturing themselves through withdrawal, they instead try to fill up the emptiness with food by binging and overeating. Same feelings, different response. "Feelings are in the body, reactions are in the head; a reaction is the mental deduction of a feeling. (And beliefs are reactions to that we've had so many times that we believe they are true.) In an attempt not to feel what is uncomfortable, the mind will often rant and ramble and tell us how awful it all is." (pg 105 WFG)

Roth speaks about our internal conversation and judgement as "The Voice". In describing this Voice she writes, " you believe that you need to hide your defects from other people lest they withdraw in abject horror. You believe that The Voice knows the truth and you don't want anyone else to discover how monstrous you are. How dark. How unredeemable. Hiding seems like an act of self-preservation. It seems like your only option if you want to have any kindness or love in your life. When you are in total agreement with The Voice, you convince yourself that your best and only recourse is to be ashamed of yourself and try harder to get it right. Be The Voice's idea of you. Be someone different, someone you're not."(pg 138 WFG)

My relationship to food now is much healthier. Although, I do still have brief moments that I fall into the pattern.  I am still controlling about what I eat or don't eat, how much, and when. I still do not enjoy eating socially or trying new foods.  I watch my portions and I count my calories. And I still do weigh myself almost daily, which is better than the 3-4 times a day on two different scales that I used to do.

Roth later comments on recognizing The Voice, "that awareness functions now to separate you from what is not you. From your story about how unredeemable you are. From your shame at being the stale, rehashed, familiar story of yourself. And because you've come to love life without the story, you without your past, you are less and less willing to endure the suffering of merging with The Voice. You begin to prefer simplicity over complication. Freedom over familiarity."(pg 138 WFG)

While I found the book very eye opening, I do feel that it is just a beginning to dealing with women and their relationship to food. It is hard when you are in this vicious cycle to really stop and listen to what you are feeling. I think the book is a good starting point to investigate what you are feeling, but therapy to deal with and uncover these feelings is necessary.  I recall several points in therapy when just hearing something come out of my mouth was such a surprise to hear. I didn't even realize I was feeling it. And hearing it spoken from my mouth to someone else somehow made it more real and validated.

If you or someone you know has or is struggling with food issues this book is a must read. At least to start the internal questioning and awareness to the emotions.  A good spark to ignite the journey into the the depths of discovery of you, food, and God.

The Mirror Conspiracy

Yoga and Pilates are both mind/body systems. They focus on how you feel in the posture or pose, alignment and being present in your body.  So how do you feel and react to a class with mirrors? And does it differ for you from one system to the other?

For me it differs from one to the another. In Pilates, I like having a mirror to check in on structural alignment and posture to be sure that what I am feeling and seeing are the same.  I tend to use it more from a side view rather than a frontal view.  And use it as a tool, but not throughout the entire session.  In Yoga, I am completely thrown by a mirror. It messes with my sense of balance in standing postures and I find I am not able to stay inside with my breath and postures but taken into a place of judgement by the visual. The absolute reverse effect of what I am looking for in my Yoga practice.

I am always amused by people who throughout a class or workout are so drawn in by their reflection in the mirror.  Yoga and Pilates are about connecting internally. The external results that happen are just a cherry on top of the sundae.  So next time you are in a class with mirrors take notice of how much you notice your reflection.  Are you using it for vanity or growth? Are you able to only see externally or internally as well? Is visual your strongest sense of self?  Challenge yourself to look inward, rather than outward and your reflection of yourself might just surprise you.